Your Mum Or Your Husband?

Question: Salam Ustaz dan Ustazah,
I have a problem with the relationship between my mother and my husband. My mother keep backbiting about my husband whenever I visit my mum. My husband found out that my mum has been talking bad about him and his family through whatsapp msges. My husband does not want to visit my mum anymore but gives me permission to visit my mum. However, my mum don’t accept if I visit alone and gave me an ultimatum its either my husband or my mum. Appreciate if you could give me some advice.  Thank you – Anonymous, Singapore

Question: Salam,

Islam encourages moderation and balance in all aspect of life.

The rights a woman owes her parents remain unbroken and sacred both before and after marriage. However, being obedient to the husband outweighs over being obedient to the parents if there’s a conflict between and both aims for goodness.

Choosing to permanently break a relation tie is strongly discouraged in Islam but when conflict arises Islam gives us some guidelines to follow upon:

1) Being wise and balanced in maintaining kinship :

Not every good thing or bad that we go through in life must be shared with others even if they have close or blood relation with us as it might lead to overthinking or bad thoughts on each other. In Qur’an Allah Ta’ala teaches us this through the Story of Yusuf ‘Alahissalam in Surah Yusuf verse 5:

قَالَ يَٰبُنَيَّ لَا تَقۡصُصۡ رُءۡيَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ إِخۡوَتِكَ فَيَكِيدُواْ لَكَ كَيۡدًاۖ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ لِلۡإِنسَٰنِ عَدُوّٞ مُّبِين

He(the father of Yusuf) said, “O my son, do not relate your vision(dream) to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.

2) Give some time: Most of the time, we try to settle down fast and leave the problem behind by finding a temporary solution which sometimes leads to more conflicts in future. Taking one step at a time with patience is the key as advised by Our beloved Prophet Sollallahu ‘Alaihiwasallam:

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ‏:‏ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم‏:‏ عَلِّمُوا وَيَسِّرُوا وَلاَ تُعَسِّرُوا، وَإِذَا غَضِبَ أَحَدُكُمْ فَلْيَسْكُتْ‏.‏

Ibn ‘Abbas(May Allah bless them) reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Teach and make things easy and not difficult. When one of you is angry, he should be silent.”
(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)

Silence and wise is the key here.

3) Connecting with Allah Ta’ala:

When situation becomes difficult, that’s the time of realisation for us to humble ourselves in front of Allah the All-giving and make du’a by seeking help from the All-hearing Allah Ta’ala.

The situation can be challenging. These are few suggestions given hoping to help in with the situation you are in.

May Allah the All-Mighty grant you, your family and your mother the best of heart to accept each other and forgive all the wrongdoings that each other have done for the sake of Allah Ta’ala.

May Allah Ta’ala also grant you and your family members ease in overcoming the situation together. Ameen.


Wallahu a’lam
Contributor: Ustazah Sharifah